Things That Go Boom

Blog Fella,

How goes it tonight? My ass kicked itself today, I went to the gym and only ran about 5 minutes because I pussied out and stopped. Oh well that shit happens from time to time I spose. Any way let me get into what I wanted to say tonight.

This is really a message for the ladies out there. No it is not some type of creepy way to ask anyone out there to date me. Keep reading if you made it this far, I assure you its safe.

In fact this is for all the ladies out there who already have men in their lives. I'm here to blow the lid wide open on a secret that we guys have. WE dudes have ONE thing in common that bind us together. This bond is on a separate plain which is above the emotional connection we "say" we have with you.

Deep down we all have the same childhood dream. Forget what we tell you about becoming a successful lawyer or one of the chefs this world has seen, even if we swear that some day we are going to become the next Brett Favre or Barry Bonds. Hidden deep down in a pit in our hearts where no woman can ever travel. What we truly want to do is, BLOW SHIT UP. Your eyes did not deceive you and your brain did not play any tricks on you. Its not being the next president of the United States, or even be lawns keeper at the most pristine gold course. Its blowing shit up. Trust me on this ladies I know where I am coming from, I may not be much of a man but I do what I am talking about and that talk is leading towards BLOWING the shit outta anything with ANYTHING that goes BOOM.

Think about a time when you were with your man, walking past a construction site. When he stops to gander over what is in front of him, its not to marvel at the architecture. No he is devising six different ways to blow the living crap out that framework in front of him. Then kick rocks out of there faster than James Bond.

Or how about when you go over to your friend Karen's for a couples barbecue on the Fourth of July? You better prey to whatever deity you hold stock in that there are not firecrackers and or bottle rockets at this thing. Because, I will tell you what exactly is going to happen. Your man is going to be all cordial when you first arrive, once you ladies go inside the house to refresh your drinks, powder your nose or snort some Coke off the bathroom vanity. Your man, along with the rest of the men at the BBQ are finding anything and everything there is to blow up with miniature explosives. Seeing how this is a Fourth of July BBQ and all, I'm going to assume that Karen did not skimp out on the tradition of hot dogs. Knowing that fact, get ready to see what a hot dog bun looks like when its laced up to a bottle rocket with some fishing line. OH! and get ready to see what a bottle of ketchup, an actual hot dog, and those wonderful tasting brownies(lets not kid ourselves here, we all know that is not Karen's secret family recipe. unless Karen's whole family finds thier secret dessert recipes on the back of a Betty Crocker Brownie box)look like when they go ker-blamo!
Oh I did forget to mention that if Karen is not a a total square or one of those Straight Edge cream puffs, there will be at least beer there. So you should also have 911, the ER, and poison control all on speed dial ( poison control seems a bit out of place right?, that is just a preliminary precaution, I mean ladies we are talking about mixing small explosions with SOME to MASS amount of alcohol. you'll thank me if you end up using this one)


This is because all dudes have the deep rooted sweet tooth for destruction, that started with our club carrying ancestors. Damn it! I mean man built the wheel for crying out loud. If you think for one second that the first thing he did when he created it was to create three exact replicas of his invention and go cruising the strip in his new 0000 B.C. GT Mustang looking for hot cave tail then you are going to be saddened when you read this next sentence. The first thing man did after inventing the wheel was take his rock hammer and smash the ever living piss out of that wheel. Why, you ask? Because he created the damn thing. That is the very same reason we LOVE to see shit go BOOM, and have a BIGGER LOVE for being the guy who pushes the button that makes it go BOOM.

So when your man starts talking to you about all his dreams and his well laid plans. Here is what I want you to do, NAY, here is what I order you to do. On the behalf of all men out there. Get your little keister down to the nearest firework stand and buy him a pack of firecrackers and or bottle rockets or anything that goes BOOM. Because no matter what he says he wants to blow something up right then and there.

P.S. If your man rejects the fireworks you just diligently bought for him. You may want to think about checking for an adam's apple because you might be with a lady.