Good Morning blog-ola,
Woke up nice an early today and hit the pool, it was great. Im feeling an uplift in life today. I just wanted to drop by and tell you what I saw at the pool today cuz it made me laugh pretty hard. Its been some time since I slowed down and watched nature be nature and this morning I actually got to see nature first hand. I was sitting in my car just collecting my thoughts outside of the pool, when I saw a flock of seagulls ( insert joke here ) swoop down on to the patch of grass in front of me. I had my music going so I was not listening to thier annoying cackles, but then a small flock of songbirds swooped down in the same patch. Much smaller in size than the gulls I might add. The song birds were in their own little spot of the grass patch away from the gulls. I sat here and watched these gulls sit and nit pick at each other. Then one of the gulls picked up a piece of trash, it was a plastic to go bag with soy sauce packets in it. This gull kept picking it up and the other gulls kept trying to take it from him. He would drop it and cackle at them, then pick up the bag again and waddle a bit further before repeating the same process. One particular gull kept really pushing his buttons, he had, had enough and dropped the bag and chased this other annoying gull away. The moment this had happened the audience of songbirds swooped in picked up the bag and flew off. I laughed in amazement at how mother nature has one of the greatest senses of humor ever.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Snozberries Taste Like.........Shit
Hey Blogenstien,
I just got a quick one for ya tonight.
Quick run down: two guys are in a room Guy A is throwing a wacky wall walker against the window, watching it walk down the window, then licking it to stick better and doing it again. Guy B is just sitting there in a day dream. Here is the conversation
A: Hey check this out ( throws wacky wall walker on window)
B: K.........? ( Puzzled look and tone)
A: You didn't see, you were not looking ( repeats wacky wall walker action)
B: Yea, I saw you the first time. I'm sitting right next to you with nothing else to look at. What do you think I've been looking at?
A: I don't believe you, watch one more time and then we'll go get milk from the Food Lion. ( just as he is about to throw it guy B slaps him in the face)
B: STOP MAN!...............my kids lick those windows.
I just got a quick one for ya tonight.
Quick run down: two guys are in a room Guy A is throwing a wacky wall walker against the window, watching it walk down the window, then licking it to stick better and doing it again. Guy B is just sitting there in a day dream. Here is the conversation
A: Hey check this out ( throws wacky wall walker on window)
B: K.........? ( Puzzled look and tone)
A: You didn't see, you were not looking ( repeats wacky wall walker action)
B: Yea, I saw you the first time. I'm sitting right next to you with nothing else to look at. What do you think I've been looking at?
A: I don't believe you, watch one more time and then we'll go get milk from the Food Lion. ( just as he is about to throw it guy B slaps him in the face)
B: STOP MAN!...............my kids lick those windows.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This Movie Is Nothing But Ropes and Asses........Pilgrim
Blog Stop,
Hey guy its been a coon's age since I talked to you.
Let me catch you up on what has been happening since I last spoke with you. Sorry I don't have much comedy nonsense for you tonight. But I do have lots to fill you in on.
Lets see, I am getting out of a self induced depression. I have had a birthday, I've been watching the shit out of MST3K, King of the Hill, and the X-Files. ( P.s I may have missed the boat on this by about a decade but I'll still say it, I would give Agent Dana Scully a run for her money......twice on a bad day. She is still hot as ever. I started tanning again and working out so thats been helping with the coming out of a depression. I bought a voice recorder with the money my parents sent me for my birthday. I plan on using it once I get my ass up on stage for some open mic nights. I know i have been saying and talking about that ever since I met you but it takes time. I looked into doing some plays this fall, auditions start this fall in August so that would be pretty sweet if I did that. I also plan on making my own Riff Tracks. If you are not familiar with Riff Trax, they are downloadable movie commentaries done by the same guys who did Mystery Science Theater 3000. They offer you the ability to record your own commentaries and post them to thier site. So right now I am working on the 1992 Sci-Fi movie The LawnmowerMan with the one and only James Bond (Pierce Brosnan). That should be fun. That pretty much sums up the last few weeks and a little outlook into the summer. OH! one more thing today I spent the day playing mini golf.....drunk outta my mind ( no i did not drive) but it was fun as shit so fun in fact we have decided that one weekend of the month we are going to go drunk mini golfing!! it shold be pretty fun I'll keep you posted, along with the rest of the stuff I mentioned.
Have a good one blogging buddy bear.
PPEACE
Hey guy its been a coon's age since I talked to you.
Let me catch you up on what has been happening since I last spoke with you. Sorry I don't have much comedy nonsense for you tonight. But I do have lots to fill you in on.
Lets see, I am getting out of a self induced depression. I have had a birthday, I've been watching the shit out of MST3K, King of the Hill, and the X-Files. ( P.s I may have missed the boat on this by about a decade but I'll still say it, I would give Agent Dana Scully a run for her money......twice on a bad day. She is still hot as ever. I started tanning again and working out so thats been helping with the coming out of a depression. I bought a voice recorder with the money my parents sent me for my birthday. I plan on using it once I get my ass up on stage for some open mic nights. I know i have been saying and talking about that ever since I met you but it takes time. I looked into doing some plays this fall, auditions start this fall in August so that would be pretty sweet if I did that. I also plan on making my own Riff Tracks. If you are not familiar with Riff Trax, they are downloadable movie commentaries done by the same guys who did Mystery Science Theater 3000. They offer you the ability to record your own commentaries and post them to thier site. So right now I am working on the 1992 Sci-Fi movie The LawnmowerMan with the one and only James Bond (Pierce Brosnan). That should be fun. That pretty much sums up the last few weeks and a little outlook into the summer. OH! one more thing today I spent the day playing mini golf.....drunk outta my mind ( no i did not drive) but it was fun as shit so fun in fact we have decided that one weekend of the month we are going to go drunk mini golfing!! it shold be pretty fun I'll keep you posted, along with the rest of the stuff I mentioned.
Have a good one blogging buddy bear.
PPEACE
Monday, April 12, 2010
Lets Take A Step Back And Read That Again
Blogspeed,
I gotta get some better nicknames for ya man. I'll do my best to think of some. On tonight's menu I've got some good cuisine for ya. I'm going to be talking about my dad. Now don't get me wrong I love and respect my dad to the fullest. I just have to say some stuff and get off my chest.
When I was growing up, I used to get most of my life lessons from a little show I like to call "This Is Every Family, But Mine". You might know it by its TV Guide title: Growing Pains. I thought that this was the way every family dealt with situations in their life. I soon found out that life lessons were not all Alan Thicke and Kirk Cameron like I was lead to believe by the magic of Disney Channel reruns.
When my dad handed down life lessons he would do it in a way that would not make sense to me at the time, but as I grew older I would start to get what he was saying bit by bit. I think when he told them to me they were clear and justified in his head, and never needed to be repeated. But to me it was like he was my arch nemesis and never really wanted me to understand what he was saying. I think he was just trying to make me think for myself but, I felt like I was Batman and he was the Riddeler most of the time. Here are some examples, I think you'll get what I am trying to convey after you read them:
Whats real when you look at them and not real when you feel them?
I found this answer out when I was 20....Fake Breasts!
Some times they were not really riddles but they were cryptic, which meant you needed to be part of my bloodline to decode it.
If you stare at bird shit long enough, your gonna get shit on
Turns out this one simply means that bad things happen to good people.
And other times the simplest things would come in the oddest arrangement of words.
The day I have you crossing the river in high heels is the day I'll be married to your uncle
Its time for you to move out
But nonetheless whatever the message was I always got it at some point in my life. To be honest I would not have it any other way. I think some kids these days have it too easy when their parents come right out and say what they mean. I'm going to do the very thing my dad did to me, to my kids.
I gotta get some better nicknames for ya man. I'll do my best to think of some. On tonight's menu I've got some good cuisine for ya. I'm going to be talking about my dad. Now don't get me wrong I love and respect my dad to the fullest. I just have to say some stuff and get off my chest.
When I was growing up, I used to get most of my life lessons from a little show I like to call "This Is Every Family, But Mine". You might know it by its TV Guide title: Growing Pains. I thought that this was the way every family dealt with situations in their life. I soon found out that life lessons were not all Alan Thicke and Kirk Cameron like I was lead to believe by the magic of Disney Channel reruns.
When my dad handed down life lessons he would do it in a way that would not make sense to me at the time, but as I grew older I would start to get what he was saying bit by bit. I think when he told them to me they were clear and justified in his head, and never needed to be repeated. But to me it was like he was my arch nemesis and never really wanted me to understand what he was saying. I think he was just trying to make me think for myself but, I felt like I was Batman and he was the Riddeler most of the time. Here are some examples, I think you'll get what I am trying to convey after you read them:
Whats real when you look at them and not real when you feel them?
I found this answer out when I was 20....Fake Breasts!
Some times they were not really riddles but they were cryptic, which meant you needed to be part of my bloodline to decode it.
If you stare at bird shit long enough, your gonna get shit on
Turns out this one simply means that bad things happen to good people.
And other times the simplest things would come in the oddest arrangement of words.
The day I have you crossing the river in high heels is the day I'll be married to your uncle
Its time for you to move out
But nonetheless whatever the message was I always got it at some point in my life. To be honest I would not have it any other way. I think some kids these days have it too easy when their parents come right out and say what they mean. I'm going to do the very thing my dad did to me, to my kids.
Friday, April 9, 2010
America's Favorite Past Time
Billion Dollar Blogger,
What up broham how you doing tonight. Been a decent day......not really I forgot to wear my nicotine patch, so that sums up today. Enough though because you don't want hear me bitch. I've got a little bit for you tonight and I think once you hear it you'll be glad you did.
Tonight I want to dabble on the topic of strippers. Yep, strippers. I do not like to admit this to many people, but your a close friend so I don't mind telling you. I went to a Strip Club the other night called Allegra's Window. ( most of you may remember there was once a show on Nick Jr. by the same name. no relation, trust me) So I entered Allegra's Window, now mind you I don't frequent strip clubs often. I think I have maybe been to them about three times my entire life, this being my third. I did not really know what to expect from this joint. It seemed classy enough, it had the usual. Several different stages with poles in the center, pits where the customers would sit, and signs pointing to the "fun room". ( which i can only assume is where the fun stuff happens, fun stuff other than watching a woman take her bra and panties off in front of you) The one thing that struck me was that they had cards. I'm not talking like comment cards saying " hows our stripping", or cute little business cards with slogans " You can see EVERYTHING from Allegra's Window". But baseball cards, and instead of having Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire. They had strippers, with their names, stats, pictures, and other sort of crazy info. It was like a mini Playboy Centerfold without the airbrush perfected ta ta's.
I mean this was unlike anything I had ever fathomed, I had to write down what I the cards said just so I could tell you how crazy this was. Sorry I can not show you the pictures but the scanner is broken. Here are the three I managed to take home though. These things are incredible though. I mean they are exactly like baseball cards execpt with half naked woman on them.
Here is the info from the cards.
Name: Stacy Lace ( in big large cursive letters )
Stage Name: Lacey
Ht: 5'7''
Wt: 125 lbs
Age: 23
Stage: Center Stage
Hometown: Baltimore, MD
Bio: Lacey is a 4 year veteran. She started stripping to pay her way through medical school. She is a 2nd year student at DSLCC (Dabney S. Lancaster Community Collge) She interns at Bath Community Hospital as a nurse during the day and is one of the best show girls Allegra's has ever seen. Stacey enjoys biking, fitness, helping the homeless, collecting cans, and World Of Warcraft.
I thought this card was pretty cute, and the picture that she had on here was pretty sexy I must say. Though the helping the homeless and can thing had me a little perplexed. However the next card took me for an entirely different loop, here is what is said.
Name: Katherine Yolang
Stage Name: Kitty Poodle ( i know this was the first thing that raised an eyebrow but it gets better )
Ht: 5'5''
Wt: 210 lbs ( ? )
Age: 39
Stage: Twilight Platform
Hometown: Coggon, IA
STD Contracted This Season: 5
Lifetime STD: 40 ( not sure if these last two stats really necessary , but........ )
Bio: Katherine is a seasoned striptease artist, with 19 years under her belt in the industry. She started stripping to help support her 3 children and give them a great education. She has held many jobs in her years as a dancer, all of which she was let go from for being "too promiscuous" or for having a "revealing wardrobe". Kathrine enjoys sex, tap dance, watching movies, and volunteering at the local truck stops as a bikini girl ( the gals who hold signs saying "car wash", though it baffles me as to why a truck stop would need such a humanitarian). Her favorite sexual position is The Three O'Clock Appointment ( the Three O'Clock Appointment is when a standing male has a woman wrap her legs around him and lean back, emulating 3 o'clock, just an FYI ). This card was unique because at the bottom it said this:
* Traded by Mark Wayne Enterprises, for Candy Apple in 1993.
I can't say much about the attractiveness of this woman, other than she had a very cute face......... though when she opened her mouth she had a smile that would make even Steve Buscemi blush. This last card is the card that really made me raise questions about the validity of this gentleman's club.
Name: Jil Hodges
Stage Name: The Los Angeles Dodger
Ht: 6'1''
Wt: 205
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Born: April 4, 1984
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York
Bio: A veteran of 16 years with Dodgers, Jil is the industries greatest right-handed home run hitter in history. In 1991 she hit her 361st homer equaling Joe DiMaggio's home run mark of 361. She also holds the industries record for grand slams with 14. Jil is one of the finest fielders of all time.
* Drafted by Mets, Oct. 10, 1991
Now I was fine with this bio ( just figured a homer was code for trips to the fun room, though the mention of Joe DiMaggio was not really relevant, or so I thought) albeit she sound more like a professional than any of the other working ladies. What really shocked me was the little POST cereal symbol next to her biography. I investigated the card further only to find that this was a counterfeit stripper card we were dealing with. It was in fact Gil Hodges baseball card from 1962. I peeled back the plastic and pulled 'Jils' picture away, and sure as shit there was Gil starring right back at me. With his LA Dodger's cap, batting stance and all. This was the straw that broke the camels back, I paid for my drinks and left. I think that this experience scarred me for a long while, its going to be some time before I visit this establishment again, or even another strip club.
What up broham how you doing tonight. Been a decent day......not really I forgot to wear my nicotine patch, so that sums up today. Enough though because you don't want hear me bitch. I've got a little bit for you tonight and I think once you hear it you'll be glad you did.
Tonight I want to dabble on the topic of strippers. Yep, strippers. I do not like to admit this to many people, but your a close friend so I don't mind telling you. I went to a Strip Club the other night called Allegra's Window. ( most of you may remember there was once a show on Nick Jr. by the same name. no relation, trust me) So I entered Allegra's Window, now mind you I don't frequent strip clubs often. I think I have maybe been to them about three times my entire life, this being my third. I did not really know what to expect from this joint. It seemed classy enough, it had the usual. Several different stages with poles in the center, pits where the customers would sit, and signs pointing to the "fun room". ( which i can only assume is where the fun stuff happens, fun stuff other than watching a woman take her bra and panties off in front of you) The one thing that struck me was that they had cards. I'm not talking like comment cards saying " hows our stripping", or cute little business cards with slogans " You can see EVERYTHING from Allegra's Window". But baseball cards, and instead of having Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire. They had strippers, with their names, stats, pictures, and other sort of crazy info. It was like a mini Playboy Centerfold without the airbrush perfected ta ta's.
I mean this was unlike anything I had ever fathomed, I had to write down what I the cards said just so I could tell you how crazy this was. Sorry I can not show you the pictures but the scanner is broken. Here are the three I managed to take home though. These things are incredible though. I mean they are exactly like baseball cards execpt with half naked woman on them.
Here is the info from the cards.
Name: Stacy Lace ( in big large cursive letters )
Stage Name: Lacey
Ht: 5'7''
Wt: 125 lbs
Age: 23
Stage: Center Stage
Hometown: Baltimore, MD
Bio: Lacey is a 4 year veteran. She started stripping to pay her way through medical school. She is a 2nd year student at DSLCC (Dabney S. Lancaster Community Collge) She interns at Bath Community Hospital as a nurse during the day and is one of the best show girls Allegra's has ever seen. Stacey enjoys biking, fitness, helping the homeless, collecting cans, and World Of Warcraft.
I thought this card was pretty cute, and the picture that she had on here was pretty sexy I must say. Though the helping the homeless and can thing had me a little perplexed. However the next card took me for an entirely different loop, here is what is said.
Name: Katherine Yolang
Stage Name: Kitty Poodle ( i know this was the first thing that raised an eyebrow but it gets better )
Ht: 5'5''
Wt: 210 lbs ( ? )
Age: 39
Stage: Twilight Platform
Hometown: Coggon, IA
STD Contracted This Season: 5
Lifetime STD: 40 ( not sure if these last two stats really necessary , but........ )
Bio: Katherine is a seasoned striptease artist, with 19 years under her belt in the industry. She started stripping to help support her 3 children and give them a great education. She has held many jobs in her years as a dancer, all of which she was let go from for being "too promiscuous" or for having a "revealing wardrobe". Kathrine enjoys sex, tap dance, watching movies, and volunteering at the local truck stops as a bikini girl ( the gals who hold signs saying "car wash", though it baffles me as to why a truck stop would need such a humanitarian). Her favorite sexual position is The Three O'Clock Appointment ( the Three O'Clock Appointment is when a standing male has a woman wrap her legs around him and lean back, emulating 3 o'clock, just an FYI ). This card was unique because at the bottom it said this:
* Traded by Mark Wayne Enterprises, for Candy Apple in 1993.
I can't say much about the attractiveness of this woman, other than she had a very cute face......... though when she opened her mouth she had a smile that would make even Steve Buscemi blush. This last card is the card that really made me raise questions about the validity of this gentleman's club.
Name: Jil Hodges
Stage Name: The Los Angeles Dodger
Ht: 6'1''
Wt: 205
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Born: April 4, 1984
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York
Bio: A veteran of 16 years with Dodgers, Jil is the industries greatest right-handed home run hitter in history. In 1991 she hit her 361st homer equaling Joe DiMaggio's home run mark of 361. She also holds the industries record for grand slams with 14. Jil is one of the finest fielders of all time.
* Drafted by Mets, Oct. 10, 1991
Now I was fine with this bio ( just figured a homer was code for trips to the fun room, though the mention of Joe DiMaggio was not really relevant, or so I thought) albeit she sound more like a professional than any of the other working ladies. What really shocked me was the little POST cereal symbol next to her biography. I investigated the card further only to find that this was a counterfeit stripper card we were dealing with. It was in fact Gil Hodges baseball card from 1962. I peeled back the plastic and pulled 'Jils' picture away, and sure as shit there was Gil starring right back at me. With his LA Dodger's cap, batting stance and all. This was the straw that broke the camels back, I paid for my drinks and left. I think that this experience scarred me for a long while, its going to be some time before I visit this establishment again, or even another strip club.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Things That Go Boom
Blog Fella,
How goes it tonight? My ass kicked itself today, I went to the gym and only ran about 5 minutes because I pussied out and stopped. Oh well that shit happens from time to time I spose. Any way let me get into what I wanted to say tonight.
This is really a message for the ladies out there. No it is not some type of creepy way to ask anyone out there to date me. Keep reading if you made it this far, I assure you its safe.
In fact this is for all the ladies out there who already have men in their lives. I'm here to blow the lid wide open on a secret that we guys have. WE dudes have ONE thing in common that bind us together. This bond is on a separate plain which is above the emotional connection we "say" we have with you.
Deep down we all have the same childhood dream. Forget what we tell you about becoming a successful lawyer or one of the chefs this world has seen, even if we swear that some day we are going to become the next Brett Favre or Barry Bonds. Hidden deep down in a pit in our hearts where no woman can ever travel. What we truly want to do is, BLOW SHIT UP. Your eyes did not deceive you and your brain did not play any tricks on you. Its not being the next president of the United States, or even be lawns keeper at the most pristine gold course. Its blowing shit up. Trust me on this ladies I know where I am coming from, I may not be much of a man but I do what I am talking about and that talk is leading towards BLOWING the shit outta anything with ANYTHING that goes BOOM.
Think about a time when you were with your man, walking past a construction site. When he stops to gander over what is in front of him, its not to marvel at the architecture. No he is devising six different ways to blow the living crap out that framework in front of him. Then kick rocks out of there faster than James Bond.
Or how about when you go over to your friend Karen's for a couples barbecue on the Fourth of July? You better prey to whatever deity you hold stock in that there are not firecrackers and or bottle rockets at this thing. Because, I will tell you what exactly is going to happen. Your man is going to be all cordial when you first arrive, once you ladies go inside the house to refresh your drinks, powder your nose or snort some Coke off the bathroom vanity. Your man, along with the rest of the men at the BBQ are finding anything and everything there is to blow up with miniature explosives. Seeing how this is a Fourth of July BBQ and all, I'm going to assume that Karen did not skimp out on the tradition of hot dogs. Knowing that fact, get ready to see what a hot dog bun looks like when its laced up to a bottle rocket with some fishing line. OH! and get ready to see what a bottle of ketchup, an actual hot dog, and those wonderful tasting brownies(lets not kid ourselves here, we all know that is not Karen's secret family recipe. unless Karen's whole family finds thier secret dessert recipes on the back of a Betty Crocker Brownie box)look like when they go ker-blamo!
Oh I did forget to mention that if Karen is not a a total square or one of those Straight Edge cream puffs, there will be at least beer there. So you should also have 911, the ER, and poison control all on speed dial ( poison control seems a bit out of place right?, that is just a preliminary precaution, I mean ladies we are talking about mixing small explosions with SOME to MASS amount of alcohol. you'll thank me if you end up using this one)
This is because all dudes have the deep rooted sweet tooth for destruction, that started with our club carrying ancestors. Damn it! I mean man built the wheel for crying out loud. If you think for one second that the first thing he did when he created it was to create three exact replicas of his invention and go cruising the strip in his new 0000 B.C. GT Mustang looking for hot cave tail then you are going to be saddened when you read this next sentence. The first thing man did after inventing the wheel was take his rock hammer and smash the ever living piss out of that wheel. Why, you ask? Because he created the damn thing. That is the very same reason we LOVE to see shit go BOOM, and have a BIGGER LOVE for being the guy who pushes the button that makes it go BOOM.
So when your man starts talking to you about all his dreams and his well laid plans. Here is what I want you to do, NAY, here is what I order you to do. On the behalf of all men out there. Get your little keister down to the nearest firework stand and buy him a pack of firecrackers and or bottle rockets or anything that goes BOOM. Because no matter what he says he wants to blow something up right then and there.
P.S. If your man rejects the fireworks you just diligently bought for him. You may want to think about checking for an adam's apple because you might be with a lady.
How goes it tonight? My ass kicked itself today, I went to the gym and only ran about 5 minutes because I pussied out and stopped. Oh well that shit happens from time to time I spose. Any way let me get into what I wanted to say tonight.
This is really a message for the ladies out there. No it is not some type of creepy way to ask anyone out there to date me. Keep reading if you made it this far, I assure you its safe.
In fact this is for all the ladies out there who already have men in their lives. I'm here to blow the lid wide open on a secret that we guys have. WE dudes have ONE thing in common that bind us together. This bond is on a separate plain which is above the emotional connection we "say" we have with you.
Deep down we all have the same childhood dream. Forget what we tell you about becoming a successful lawyer or one of the chefs this world has seen, even if we swear that some day we are going to become the next Brett Favre or Barry Bonds. Hidden deep down in a pit in our hearts where no woman can ever travel. What we truly want to do is, BLOW SHIT UP. Your eyes did not deceive you and your brain did not play any tricks on you. Its not being the next president of the United States, or even be lawns keeper at the most pristine gold course. Its blowing shit up. Trust me on this ladies I know where I am coming from, I may not be much of a man but I do what I am talking about and that talk is leading towards BLOWING the shit outta anything with ANYTHING that goes BOOM.
Think about a time when you were with your man, walking past a construction site. When he stops to gander over what is in front of him, its not to marvel at the architecture. No he is devising six different ways to blow the living crap out that framework in front of him. Then kick rocks out of there faster than James Bond.
Or how about when you go over to your friend Karen's for a couples barbecue on the Fourth of July? You better prey to whatever deity you hold stock in that there are not firecrackers and or bottle rockets at this thing. Because, I will tell you what exactly is going to happen. Your man is going to be all cordial when you first arrive, once you ladies go inside the house to refresh your drinks, powder your nose or snort some Coke off the bathroom vanity. Your man, along with the rest of the men at the BBQ are finding anything and everything there is to blow up with miniature explosives. Seeing how this is a Fourth of July BBQ and all, I'm going to assume that Karen did not skimp out on the tradition of hot dogs. Knowing that fact, get ready to see what a hot dog bun looks like when its laced up to a bottle rocket with some fishing line. OH! and get ready to see what a bottle of ketchup, an actual hot dog, and those wonderful tasting brownies(lets not kid ourselves here, we all know that is not Karen's secret family recipe. unless Karen's whole family finds thier secret dessert recipes on the back of a Betty Crocker Brownie box)look like when they go ker-blamo!
Oh I did forget to mention that if Karen is not a a total square or one of those Straight Edge cream puffs, there will be at least beer there. So you should also have 911, the ER, and poison control all on speed dial ( poison control seems a bit out of place right?, that is just a preliminary precaution, I mean ladies we are talking about mixing small explosions with SOME to MASS amount of alcohol. you'll thank me if you end up using this one)
This is because all dudes have the deep rooted sweet tooth for destruction, that started with our club carrying ancestors. Damn it! I mean man built the wheel for crying out loud. If you think for one second that the first thing he did when he created it was to create three exact replicas of his invention and go cruising the strip in his new 0000 B.C. GT Mustang looking for hot cave tail then you are going to be saddened when you read this next sentence. The first thing man did after inventing the wheel was take his rock hammer and smash the ever living piss out of that wheel. Why, you ask? Because he created the damn thing. That is the very same reason we LOVE to see shit go BOOM, and have a BIGGER LOVE for being the guy who pushes the button that makes it go BOOM.
So when your man starts talking to you about all his dreams and his well laid plans. Here is what I want you to do, NAY, here is what I order you to do. On the behalf of all men out there. Get your little keister down to the nearest firework stand and buy him a pack of firecrackers and or bottle rockets or anything that goes BOOM. Because no matter what he says he wants to blow something up right then and there.
P.S. If your man rejects the fireworks you just diligently bought for him. You may want to think about checking for an adam's apple because you might be with a lady.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Days When We Had Time To Enjoy Freedom
Hola Blog Ola,
Whats going on today buddy? Not much on this end. Just got off of work and I figured I'd fill your head with some nonsense. I was thinking back to the 3rd grade yesterday. I got to thinking about how great it was back in that day when life was so carefree and so much more simple. I mean I know for the most part every adult would like to be able to go back to the day when thier main focus was who they planned on kissing on the swing set at recess, or how to get rid of cooties ( the kind the girls had were the worst ). My train of thought however was going down the track of inside the class room. For me it was in the third grade that the teacher would either assign kids in the class jobs or take volunteers. For others it may have been earlier grades and some later classes. The point is these teachers ALWAYS had the same set up and the same basic lackeys. I'm going to indulge you on what we had in our class, you may have had different duties, or variations of the ones I had, but just bear with me I'm the one who is writing here not you.
Animal Wrangler - This particular duty included taking care of whatever pets your class may have had at the given time. The animal wrangler usually started off doing a good job and being really pumped about being chose for this job. As the year went on though they would start slacking on duties. The fish tank would starting getting that nasty green agile growing on the inside. So when you would go to look at the fish the hole would be about it felt like you were looking though a peep hole at a titty show. However you would be sadly disappointed to find floating corpses of what may have been fish at one time. The only surviving organism in the tank would be the little mini Carp like fish. They knew that death loomed above 2 inches of water and decided that their life was at the bottom of the tank. The hamster cages would be filled to the brim with 30 or 40 hamsters. Because one of the kids in the class decided his hamster was lonely at home. Every body was under the assumption that Twiggy the class hamster was a boy hamster and his new roomie Fred was also a boy. Turns out teacher should not be teaching science and or hamster anatomy, because Twiggy had a hoo hoo, and Fred filled that hoo hoo with his hamster juices. Which resulted in some offspring. And hamsters being one of the only species that do not mind humping their brothers and sisters the result would only be exponential. So when the whole cage of hamsters started "wrestling" (as the teacher would say)the thought of hamster euthanasia did not seem so bad. Which in this case you could kill two birds with one stone because we got to learn about death and lethal injection all in one science class. PLEASE FOLKS HAVE YOU HAMSTER SPADE OR NEUTERED. This kid usually sought to become a Zoo Keeper or Marine Biologist because of his 3rd grade experience with animals. However was mistaken when they learned how much schooling was incorporated with these jobs and settled on working at the Vet for free. Usually being the one who would administer the jolly lethal injection. (looks like 3rd grade was not a complete waste)
Eraser Cleaner- This job is the one where someone would take the erasers outside and smash them together to rid the classroom of that pesky white chalk dust. Little did teacher know that this little Joey was really getting high off chalk dust. Which would most likely pave the road to his future of either being a junkie or a drug dealer. And not the good kind of drug dealer. The kind of drug dealer who tries to convince you that by smoking Salvia divinorum or Spice you can get just as high as you would by smoking good old Mary Jane.
Chalk Board Washer- This fun and exciting job was the one where someone would grab the giant economy sized sponge and a bucket then go to town on cleaning all the chalk residue off the board. Little did they know the responsibilities and stress that came with this job. It is not as simple as wiping off the board with soap and water. There was a specific ratio of soap and water that had to be in the bucket. Too much water would leave the board all streaky and the teacher would complain about little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. Forcing Simon to go home and experiment with different chemicals in order to ensure a streak free chalkboard. Ultimately this resulted in Simon's OCD complex that all things black must be streak free. Also be careful there was not too much soap in the mixture because this would get in the chalk tray and anytime the teacher would grab a piece of chalk it would break until all she had left was a 1/4 inch piece of chalk to write on the board with. Again she would curse little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. This constant berating would force Simon to grow up with an interest in science and a deep rooted resentment for his third grade teacher. Ultimately Simon would become a scientist who would eventually invent a liquid form of Ecstasy. Who would then find himself arrested on charges of Manufacturing and illegal substance.
The Class Treasurer- Now any respectable adult knows that a 3rd grader hardly understands the concept of money. So with that being said this job duty included snack selection for Friday afternoon snack time. To this day I'm still trying to connect money with snacks, unless we are talking about prostitution. Any way so this kid would walk around the class all week and take a tally of everyone's vote for Snack Time on Friday afternoon. We all know, now that tally ploy was a front. What really would happen, is this kid would disregard everybody's ideas for snacks and just decided on what he wanted the most which usually was Rice Krispe Treats. This is a unique duty, in that it changed hands every month in order to ensure variety amongst snacks. Though I don't think the teacher knew what sort of variety of toppings could be found for Rice Krispe Treats. In the month of December we had Traditional Rice Krispe Treats, Rice Krispe Treats with peanut butter, Rice Krispe Treats with chocolate on top, and Christmas Time Rice Krispe Treats. (that last one we all know is a scam because its the same thing as the plain ones just with red and green colored Krispes, in my eyes that's a little lazy. mix some eggnog in there lets get festive) This kid would usually take a liking to the culinary arts, and lets not forget the title of treasurer. So how do you make money at the culinary arts is the real thought process going on. I'll tell who was The Class Treasurer of his class, Emeril Lagasse. BOOM!
Class Leader- Now this job sounded like it held the most weight and in truth it sort of did. Though most of the kids who had this job let the title go to thier head. Some of the responsibilities were:
-Lining up the class in at recess. You better have made sure you were at attention in line, and that your feet were squared up. If your foot was all willy nilly it would would get a passionate beating with a Weeping Willow branch from the Class Leader.
-Taking head counts when you would go to the assemblies. Right here is why you had to know how to grease the palms. If you were on his bad side, he would see to it your 3rd grade experience was a living hell and get your ass in as much trouble as was possible for an 8 year old to do.
(Note: Double Bubble is not nearly as good of bribe as a Laffy Taffy or a whole can of Bubble Tape is. But if you could supply your class leader with some Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum your pretty much a made man)
-Inspecting The cleanliness of the class is where the class leader would take pride. He would walk around with the brazenness of a military drill instructor with his white gloves. He would walk around the classroom and sniff out any trace of dust or chalk residue. He would also hold random locker and desk inspections. Now hopefully you were a bit luckier than I was, our classroom desks had little wells for us to put our supplies in. Unless you had OCD as a small child you could count on missing recess those days.
These kids usually would strive to become world leaders or power players in the world. I can list three people who I know for a fact were Class Room Leaders in thier day, Joseph Stalin, Hitler, and Bill Gates.
Whats going on today buddy? Not much on this end. Just got off of work and I figured I'd fill your head with some nonsense. I was thinking back to the 3rd grade yesterday. I got to thinking about how great it was back in that day when life was so carefree and so much more simple. I mean I know for the most part every adult would like to be able to go back to the day when thier main focus was who they planned on kissing on the swing set at recess, or how to get rid of cooties ( the kind the girls had were the worst ). My train of thought however was going down the track of inside the class room. For me it was in the third grade that the teacher would either assign kids in the class jobs or take volunteers. For others it may have been earlier grades and some later classes. The point is these teachers ALWAYS had the same set up and the same basic lackeys. I'm going to indulge you on what we had in our class, you may have had different duties, or variations of the ones I had, but just bear with me I'm the one who is writing here not you.
Animal Wrangler - This particular duty included taking care of whatever pets your class may have had at the given time. The animal wrangler usually started off doing a good job and being really pumped about being chose for this job. As the year went on though they would start slacking on duties. The fish tank would starting getting that nasty green agile growing on the inside. So when you would go to look at the fish the hole would be about it felt like you were looking though a peep hole at a titty show. However you would be sadly disappointed to find floating corpses of what may have been fish at one time. The only surviving organism in the tank would be the little mini Carp like fish. They knew that death loomed above 2 inches of water and decided that their life was at the bottom of the tank. The hamster cages would be filled to the brim with 30 or 40 hamsters. Because one of the kids in the class decided his hamster was lonely at home. Every body was under the assumption that Twiggy the class hamster was a boy hamster and his new roomie Fred was also a boy. Turns out teacher should not be teaching science and or hamster anatomy, because Twiggy had a hoo hoo, and Fred filled that hoo hoo with his hamster juices. Which resulted in some offspring. And hamsters being one of the only species that do not mind humping their brothers and sisters the result would only be exponential. So when the whole cage of hamsters started "wrestling" (as the teacher would say)the thought of hamster euthanasia did not seem so bad. Which in this case you could kill two birds with one stone because we got to learn about death and lethal injection all in one science class. PLEASE FOLKS HAVE YOU HAMSTER SPADE OR NEUTERED. This kid usually sought to become a Zoo Keeper or Marine Biologist because of his 3rd grade experience with animals. However was mistaken when they learned how much schooling was incorporated with these jobs and settled on working at the Vet for free. Usually being the one who would administer the jolly lethal injection. (looks like 3rd grade was not a complete waste)
Eraser Cleaner- This job is the one where someone would take the erasers outside and smash them together to rid the classroom of that pesky white chalk dust. Little did teacher know that this little Joey was really getting high off chalk dust. Which would most likely pave the road to his future of either being a junkie or a drug dealer. And not the good kind of drug dealer. The kind of drug dealer who tries to convince you that by smoking Salvia divinorum or Spice you can get just as high as you would by smoking good old Mary Jane.
Chalk Board Washer- This fun and exciting job was the one where someone would grab the giant economy sized sponge and a bucket then go to town on cleaning all the chalk residue off the board. Little did they know the responsibilities and stress that came with this job. It is not as simple as wiping off the board with soap and water. There was a specific ratio of soap and water that had to be in the bucket. Too much water would leave the board all streaky and the teacher would complain about little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. Forcing Simon to go home and experiment with different chemicals in order to ensure a streak free chalkboard. Ultimately this resulted in Simon's OCD complex that all things black must be streak free. Also be careful there was not too much soap in the mixture because this would get in the chalk tray and anytime the teacher would grab a piece of chalk it would break until all she had left was a 1/4 inch piece of chalk to write on the board with. Again she would curse little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. This constant berating would force Simon to grow up with an interest in science and a deep rooted resentment for his third grade teacher. Ultimately Simon would become a scientist who would eventually invent a liquid form of Ecstasy. Who would then find himself arrested on charges of Manufacturing and illegal substance.
The Class Treasurer- Now any respectable adult knows that a 3rd grader hardly understands the concept of money. So with that being said this job duty included snack selection for Friday afternoon snack time. To this day I'm still trying to connect money with snacks, unless we are talking about prostitution. Any way so this kid would walk around the class all week and take a tally of everyone's vote for Snack Time on Friday afternoon. We all know, now that tally ploy was a front. What really would happen, is this kid would disregard everybody's ideas for snacks and just decided on what he wanted the most which usually was Rice Krispe Treats. This is a unique duty, in that it changed hands every month in order to ensure variety amongst snacks. Though I don't think the teacher knew what sort of variety of toppings could be found for Rice Krispe Treats. In the month of December we had Traditional Rice Krispe Treats, Rice Krispe Treats with peanut butter, Rice Krispe Treats with chocolate on top, and Christmas Time Rice Krispe Treats. (that last one we all know is a scam because its the same thing as the plain ones just with red and green colored Krispes, in my eyes that's a little lazy. mix some eggnog in there lets get festive) This kid would usually take a liking to the culinary arts, and lets not forget the title of treasurer. So how do you make money at the culinary arts is the real thought process going on. I'll tell who was The Class Treasurer of his class, Emeril Lagasse. BOOM!
Class Leader- Now this job sounded like it held the most weight and in truth it sort of did. Though most of the kids who had this job let the title go to thier head. Some of the responsibilities were:
-Lining up the class in at recess. You better have made sure you were at attention in line, and that your feet were squared up. If your foot was all willy nilly it would would get a passionate beating with a Weeping Willow branch from the Class Leader.
-Taking head counts when you would go to the assemblies. Right here is why you had to know how to grease the palms. If you were on his bad side, he would see to it your 3rd grade experience was a living hell and get your ass in as much trouble as was possible for an 8 year old to do.
(Note: Double Bubble is not nearly as good of bribe as a Laffy Taffy or a whole can of Bubble Tape is. But if you could supply your class leader with some Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum your pretty much a made man)
-Inspecting The cleanliness of the class is where the class leader would take pride. He would walk around with the brazenness of a military drill instructor with his white gloves. He would walk around the classroom and sniff out any trace of dust or chalk residue. He would also hold random locker and desk inspections. Now hopefully you were a bit luckier than I was, our classroom desks had little wells for us to put our supplies in. Unless you had OCD as a small child you could count on missing recess those days.
These kids usually would strive to become world leaders or power players in the world. I can list three people who I know for a fact were Class Room Leaders in thier day, Joseph Stalin, Hitler, and Bill Gates.
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