The Days When We Had Time To Enjoy Freedom

Hola Blog Ola,
Whats going on today buddy? Not much on this end. Just got off of work and I figured I'd fill your head with some nonsense. I was thinking back to the 3rd grade yesterday. I got to thinking about how great it was back in that day when life was so carefree and so much more simple. I mean I know for the most part every adult would like to be able to go back to the day when thier main focus was who they planned on kissing on the swing set at recess, or how to get rid of cooties ( the kind the girls had were the worst ). My train of thought however was going down the track of inside the class room. For me it was in the third grade that the teacher would either assign kids in the class jobs or take volunteers. For others it may have been earlier grades and some later classes. The point is these teachers ALWAYS had the same set up and the same basic lackeys. I'm going to indulge you on what we had in our class, you may have had different duties, or variations of the ones I had, but just bear with me I'm the one who is writing here not you.

Animal Wrangler - This particular duty included taking care of whatever pets your class may have had at the given time. The animal wrangler usually started off doing a good job and being really pumped about being chose for this job. As the year went on though they would start slacking on duties. The fish tank would starting getting that nasty green agile growing on the inside. So when you would go to look at the fish the hole would be about it felt like you were looking though a peep hole at a titty show. However you would be sadly disappointed to find floating corpses of what may have been fish at one time. The only surviving organism in the tank would be the little mini Carp like fish. They knew that death loomed above 2 inches of water and decided that their life was at the bottom of the tank. The hamster cages would be filled to the brim with 30 or 40 hamsters. Because one of the kids in the class decided his hamster was lonely at home. Every body was under the assumption that Twiggy the class hamster was a boy hamster and his new roomie Fred was also a boy. Turns out teacher should not be teaching science and or hamster anatomy, because Twiggy had a hoo hoo, and Fred filled that hoo hoo with his hamster juices. Which resulted in some offspring. And hamsters being one of the only species that do not mind humping their brothers and sisters the result would only be exponential. So when the whole cage of hamsters started "wrestling" (as the teacher would say)the thought of hamster euthanasia did not seem so bad. Which in this case you could kill two birds with one stone because we got to learn about death and lethal injection all in one science class. PLEASE FOLKS HAVE YOU HAMSTER SPADE OR NEUTERED. This kid usually sought to become a Zoo Keeper or Marine Biologist because of his 3rd grade experience with animals. However was mistaken when they learned how much schooling was incorporated with these jobs and settled on working at the Vet for free. Usually being the one who would administer the jolly lethal injection. (looks like 3rd grade was not a complete waste)

Eraser Cleaner- This job is the one where someone would take the erasers outside and smash them together to rid the classroom of that pesky white chalk dust. Little did teacher know that this little Joey was really getting high off chalk dust. Which would most likely pave the road to his future of either being a junkie or a drug dealer. And not the good kind of drug dealer. The kind of drug dealer who tries to convince you that by smoking Salvia divinorum or Spice you can get just as high as you would by smoking good old Mary Jane.

Chalk Board Washer- This fun and exciting job was the one where someone would grab the giant economy sized sponge and a bucket then go to town on cleaning all the chalk residue off the board. Little did they know the responsibilities and stress that came with this job. It is not as simple as wiping off the board with soap and water. There was a specific ratio of soap and water that had to be in the bucket. Too much water would leave the board all streaky and the teacher would complain about little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. Forcing Simon to go home and experiment with different chemicals in order to ensure a streak free chalkboard. Ultimately this resulted in Simon's OCD complex that all things black must be streak free. Also be careful there was not too much soap in the mixture because this would get in the chalk tray and anytime the teacher would grab a piece of chalk it would break until all she had left was a 1/4 inch piece of chalk to write on the board with. Again she would curse little Simon's ability to wash a chalkboard. This constant berating would force Simon to grow up with an interest in science and a deep rooted resentment for his third grade teacher. Ultimately Simon would become a scientist who would eventually invent a liquid form of Ecstasy. Who would then find himself arrested on charges of Manufacturing and illegal substance.

The Class Treasurer- Now any respectable adult knows that a 3rd grader hardly understands the concept of money. So with that being said this job duty included snack selection for Friday afternoon snack time. To this day I'm still trying to connect money with snacks, unless we are talking about prostitution. Any way so this kid would walk around the class all week and take a tally of everyone's vote for Snack Time on Friday afternoon. We all know, now that tally ploy was a front. What really would happen, is this kid would disregard everybody's ideas for snacks and just decided on what he wanted the most which usually was Rice Krispe Treats. This is a unique duty, in that it changed hands every month in order to ensure variety amongst snacks. Though I don't think the teacher knew what sort of variety of toppings could be found for Rice Krispe Treats. In the month of December we had Traditional Rice Krispe Treats, Rice Krispe Treats with peanut butter, Rice Krispe Treats with chocolate on top, and Christmas Time Rice Krispe Treats. (that last one we all know is a scam because its the same thing as the plain ones just with red and green colored Krispes, in my eyes that's a little lazy. mix some eggnog in there lets get festive) This kid would usually take a liking to the culinary arts, and lets not forget the title of treasurer. So how do you make money at the culinary arts is the real thought process going on. I'll tell who was The Class Treasurer of his class, Emeril Lagasse. BOOM!

Class Leader- Now this job sounded like it held the most weight and in truth it sort of did. Though most of the kids who had this job let the title go to thier head. Some of the responsibilities were:

-Lining up the class in at recess. You better have made sure you were at attention in line, and that your feet were squared up. If your foot was all willy nilly it would would get a passionate beating with a Weeping Willow branch from the Class Leader.

-Taking head counts when you would go to the assemblies. Right here is why you had to know how to grease the palms. If you were on his bad side, he would see to it your 3rd grade experience was a living hell and get your ass in as much trouble as was possible for an 8 year old to do.
(Note: Double Bubble is not nearly as good of bribe as a Laffy Taffy or a whole can of Bubble Tape is. But if you could supply your class leader with some Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum your pretty much a made man)

-Inspecting The cleanliness of the class is where the class leader would take pride. He would walk around with the brazenness of a military drill instructor with his white gloves. He would walk around the classroom and sniff out any trace of dust or chalk residue. He would also hold random locker and desk inspections. Now hopefully you were a bit luckier than I was, our classroom desks had little wells for us to put our supplies in. Unless you had OCD as a small child you could count on missing recess those days.

These kids usually would strive to become world leaders or power players in the world. I can list three people who I know for a fact were Class Room Leaders in thier day, Joseph Stalin, Hitler, and Bill Gates.