Care Bear Poop

Hey Blogger Buddy,
How you doing as always I have to apologize for my lack of love I have showed you. Been a lazy couple of weeks and a hectic couple of weeks. So I'm going to jump right into this.
Being born in the late 80's, I was not the proverbial "Child Of The 80's". So it goes without saying I caught the ass end of the 80's cartoons. Which I am glad I did because I got hooked on my favorite cartoon of all time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In case you were wondering we are all the same age, 1987 baby! With that being said I started to examine cartoons and TV shows from the 80's. Now I know most people who created all these shows were most likely cracked out, strung out, tweeked out, high on downers, or down on uppers. So what I discovered is nothing new but I figured I would share my findings after all.
Yogi and Boo were bears, nothing strange about that, but the fact that they wore neck ties and no pants just kind of put me off and how is that allowed on television and not considered porn.
The Smurfs seem to be little piles of blue poo that walked around, if you think I am exaggerating think about the fact that they lived in mushrooms, and what grows out of shit......that's right MUSHROOMS!!!!! I mean at least the animators had enough sense to put some pants on them. Lets take a gander at the Smurfs nemesis Gargamel. He thought he was a wizard, and spent most of his time trying to conjure up ways to capture and eat the smurfs. Which we have already established are a form of blue fecal matter. So this guy who thinks he is a wizard spends his days trying to eat blue doo doo. Sound like someone who is locked up in prison right now.......yea your right he does sorta sound a bit like Charles Manson.
Care Bears, now lets think about this, little puffy bears runny around with magical tattoos on their bloated little bellies. That is a great message to send to kids. " Hey kids you want to spread care and have special powers? Go get you a tat on your stomach." No wonder so many "children of the 80's" have stupid tattoos.
Each one with thier own little dark and deviant persona:

Bedtime Bear- He's got a 1/4 moon on his beer gut and he helps put everyone to sleep, sounds like this guy is going around slipping roofies into every ones drinks and then having his way with them.

Birthday Bear- this little fat ass has a cupcake on his front porch. He is the junkie of the bunch, he loves birthdays and has a severe addiction to birthday cake and cupcakes. Its a wonder why kids these days have such a weight problem. If a cute cuddly little bear can wolf down sugar batter and not lose a leg to Type I Diabetes, then my kid can too said the parent who was once a child of the 80's.

Cheer Bear- this is one that confuses me as much as "her" gender confuses her. She rocks a Rainbow on her baby bump. Her back story is that of any New Yorker Junkie Transvestite. She was once a he ( now the Rainbow makes sense) and got unhappy having a schlong, he thought he would try feeling pretty. So it up and decided to chop it off. Only the plastic surgeon mixed up its hormone pills with antidepressants
and the rest is history. Cheer Bear never looked back and never looked sad again.

Friend Bear- This little bitch rocks two gay smiling intertwined flowers on her potbelly. She plays it off like shes everyone's best friend and thinks she knows all there is to know about being a good friend. Well I watched the DVD special bonus feature titled: Friend Bears Diary. She delves into realms of darkness that would make the most seasoned sadist cringe. This two faced little slut, starts telling all sorts of the other bear's deepest darkest secrets. Then goes onto admit that she slept with almost all the male bears including Cheer Bear. She also admits to having countless abortions, which she quickly turned into a profit by packaging them up and calling them "gummy bears". I won't reveal anymore, you'll have to get the DVD to find out the rest.

Funshine Bear- He actually is mentally retarded, hes got a queer giant smiling sun on his breadbasket. He is always playing jokes on everyone in the bunch but to be honest everyone in the group just goes along with it to entertain his retardation. He may possibly be the only bear that survived the gummy abortion and lived.

Good Luck Bear- Plain and simple, he is a drunk Irish bear. I mean the signs are in plain view. A green four leaf clover on his bay window. He supposedly spreads good luck to everyone. The truth of the matter is, he doesn't spread good luck he just has extremely bad luck that everyone around him feels like they have better luck then him. I mean I would too if I were picked on four DUI's (the symbolism of the four leaf clover reveals itself) in one night, then become the sole cause of the Irish Potato Famine, and get deported all in one night. Anyone's luck would seem "good" compared to this douches.

Grumpy Bear- By far my favorite choice, this sourpuss has a wicked tat of a raincloud with hearts being shat out on his solar plexus. He was a sailor back in the Care Bear War of 1960. so he has seen bloodshed which would turn the likes of you or me green. Not to mention the crew he has to deal with who are always ragging on him for being a grump. I don't blame him, just because you don't feel like putting up with others people's shit all the time you are then deemed a "grump". Eff that noise, I'm with him all the way. I mean he is a GOD DAMN veteran which he is never thanked for, or shown any sort of appreciation. Without Grumpy Bear those other fags would not have the freedom to run around and be all stupid and gay. He needs to get some props once in a while, and get him a clean Care Bear Hooker.

Love-a-Lot Bear - another bear who got messed up on the drugs. She has two intertwined hearts on her bosom. She likes to spread love and help any where she goes and I've got the inside scoop. She was hanging out with Birthday Bear one night, they got their hands on some X and she never was never normal since. She is all touchy feely with the rest of the group. She is always offering to help because she needs money. Which she then uses to fund her silly ass addiction to bottled water to keep her hydrated.

Tenderheart Bear- He's the Dr. Phil of the group, hes got a big red heart with a pink outline on his midsection. He walks around with his head up his ass trying to sort out everyone's feelings. He claims to have a PHD, but when I checked I don't remember any Care Bears being allowed into colleges. This guy gets my goat, because he is a know it all. He needs a swift kick to the ass if you ask me, and I think Grumpy Bear should be the one to do so.

Wish Bear - here is the step-mom of the bunch, this little scum bag has a skanky shooting start on her pelvis. She walks around granting wishes (promises) to all the other Care Bears. She has a "wishing star" whom she is best friends with, Twinkers. Most of her wishes never come true and the others are usually devastated when they find out the truth. The several wishes that do come true only happen because she is a trust fund baby and she only allows wishes that she can gain something from.

Well there you have it Blogstar, I know I went a little in depth on the Care Bears, but I thought is was necessary. Until next time my bud.