America's Favorite Past Time

Billion Dollar Blogger,

What up broham how you doing tonight. Been a decent day......not really I forgot to wear my nicotine patch, so that sums up today. Enough though because you don't want hear me bitch. I've got a little bit for you tonight and I think once you hear it you'll be glad you did.

Tonight I want to dabble on the topic of strippers. Yep, strippers. I do not like to admit this to many people, but your a close friend so I don't mind telling you. I went to a Strip Club the other night called Allegra's Window. ( most of you may remember there was once a show on Nick Jr. by the same name. no relation, trust me) So I entered Allegra's Window, now mind you I don't frequent strip clubs often. I think I have maybe been to them about three times my entire life, this being my third. I did not really know what to expect from this joint. It seemed classy enough, it had the usual. Several different stages with poles in the center, pits where the customers would sit, and signs pointing to the "fun room". ( which i can only assume is where the fun stuff happens, fun stuff other than watching a woman take her bra and panties off in front of you) The one thing that struck me was that they had cards. I'm not talking like comment cards saying " hows our stripping", or cute little business cards with slogans " You can see EVERYTHING from Allegra's Window". But baseball cards, and instead of having Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire. They had strippers, with their names, stats, pictures, and other sort of crazy info. It was like a mini Playboy Centerfold without the airbrush perfected ta ta's.

I mean this was unlike anything I had ever fathomed, I had to write down what I the cards said just so I could tell you how crazy this was. Sorry I can not show you the pictures but the scanner is broken. Here are the three I managed to take home though. These things are incredible though. I mean they are exactly like baseball cards execpt with half naked woman on them.

Here is the info from the cards.

Name: Stacy Lace ( in big large cursive letters )
Stage Name: Lacey
Ht: 5'7''
Wt: 125 lbs
Age: 23
Stage: Center Stage
Hometown: Baltimore, MD

Bio: Lacey is a 4 year veteran. She started stripping to pay her way through medical school. She is a 2nd year student at DSLCC (Dabney S. Lancaster Community Collge) She interns at Bath Community Hospital as a nurse during the day and is one of the best show girls Allegra's has ever seen. Stacey enjoys biking, fitness, helping the homeless, collecting cans, and World Of Warcraft.

I thought this card was pretty cute, and the picture that she had on here was pretty sexy I must say. Though the helping the homeless and can thing had me a little perplexed. However the next card took me for an entirely different loop, here is what is said.

Name: Katherine Yolang
Stage Name: Kitty Poodle ( i know this was the first thing that raised an eyebrow but it gets better )
Ht: 5'5''
Wt: 210 lbs ( ? )
Age: 39
Stage: Twilight Platform
Hometown: Coggon, IA
STD Contracted This Season: 5
Lifetime STD: 40 ( not sure if these last two stats really necessary , but........ )

Bio: Katherine is a seasoned striptease artist, with 19 years under her belt in the industry. She started stripping to help support her 3 children and give them a great education. She has held many jobs in her years as a dancer, all of which she was let go from for being "too promiscuous" or for having a "revealing wardrobe". Kathrine enjoys sex, tap dance, watching movies, and volunteering at the local truck stops as a bikini girl ( the gals who hold signs saying "car wash", though it baffles me as to why a truck stop would need such a humanitarian). Her favorite sexual position is The Three O'Clock Appointment ( the Three O'Clock Appointment is when a standing male has a woman wrap her legs around him and lean back, emulating 3 o'clock, just an FYI ). This card was unique because at the bottom it said this:

* Traded by Mark Wayne Enterprises, for Candy Apple in 1993.

I can't say much about the attractiveness of this woman, other than she had a very cute face......... though when she opened her mouth she had a smile that would make even Steve Buscemi blush. This last card is the card that really made me raise questions about the validity of this gentleman's club.

Name: Jil Hodges
Stage Name: The Los Angeles Dodger
Ht: 6'1''
Wt: 205
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
Born: April 4, 1984
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York

Bio: A veteran of 16 years with Dodgers, Jil is the industries greatest right-handed home run hitter in history. In 1991 she hit her 361st homer equaling Joe DiMaggio's home run mark of 361. She also holds the industries record for grand slams with 14. Jil is one of the finest fielders of all time.
* Drafted by Mets, Oct. 10, 1991

Now I was fine with this bio ( just figured a homer was code for trips to the fun room, though the mention of Joe DiMaggio was not really relevant, or so I thought) albeit she sound more like a professional than any of the other working ladies. What really shocked me was the little POST cereal symbol next to her biography. I investigated the card further only to find that this was a counterfeit stripper card we were dealing with. It was in fact Gil Hodges baseball card from 1962. I peeled back the plastic and pulled 'Jils' picture away, and sure as shit there was Gil starring right back at me. With his LA Dodger's cap, batting stance and all. This was the straw that broke the camels back, I paid for my drinks and left. I think that this experience scarred me for a long while, its going to be some time before I visit this establishment again, or even another strip club.