The Scent Of Sexiness

Blog Pal,
I have such a long standing love hate relationship with sleep, when I try to go to bed early I end up waking up in the middle of the night ( like now). Or if I go to bed too late I get all paranoid that I will will not wake up in time and I'll miss the alarm, so my sleep is not constant and I wake up every half an hour until my alarm.
So tonight I decided that I was going to fall asleep at a very early time of 7:30 while I watched an episode of Survivor Man. I got woke up by a phone call at 9:15pm so needless to say that two hours of sleep just gave me a power boost and now I am up writing this blog instead of sleeping like I want to be. ( not that I don't love you blogger, I just wish I was sleeping instead of typing away at the keyboard).
So, there is something I feel that needs to be said, something very riveting. As most of you may not know at this point, I have been tanning due to a medical condition known as psoriasis. The dermatologist suggested I start getting more sun and since it is the middle of January tanning was the best bet. Not to mention even if it were the summer time I hate the beach and I don't have what the general public would describe as a "beach body". So therefore tanning is the best bet for a person like me. It can me feel and seem vain while at the same time healthy and sexy. So it really is a win-win. So back to the story at hand. Now I am going to assume that YOU know what its like when you tan Blogger cuz you are like the coolest person I know and all cool and sexy people tan these days. But for the other un-sexy public I want to paint a bit of a picture into the world of the tanning salon before I break down and admit my personal failure.
You enter into a small and quaint little boutique, most of the time there is a woman who looks as thought she should be leather face's bride. The skin on these women rival the leather quality of most cattle. They plug your name into a computer and figure out where you need to tan. Now you can use the "super" beds or sometimes known as the "max" beds. Not the only way your going to want to use these are if you want to feel like a french fry being dipped into a vat of hot oil. No save you money and use the regular economy beds like the rest of the public. Now this is me, but I don't really know the etiquette when it comes to being in the tanning booth. I am not sure if dudes are suppose to tan naked or if your suppose to leave your unmentionables on? I have never taken it upon myself to stick my head out of the booth and ask if I need to leave them on or if they can come off. Now don't get me wrong the thought to ask has crossed my head however I feel once that door is shut and locked Vegas Rules are in order. What goes on behind that closed door stays behind the closed door. So anyway then your left standing there butt naked if your like me, and you have the option to apply the lotion that you just paid 50$ for. We are not talking about the bottle either, no you just paid damn near half your allowance for a small SAMPLE of lotion. Anyway you have to apply it cuz leather face's bride told you it would make you tan (burn) easier.
Now we come to the tanning bed, how to describe this thing. Well I can say that I do know what the meat inside of a burrito feels like all toasty and warm. But physically what can I paint for you. Imagine that you have died, and now you are being placed into your coffin, but now all of a sudden your coffin is lit up super bright by super hot track lighting. These lights mind you are a good 2 inches from you face and you also laying on a bed of UV lights. You lay there as your entire body just heats up and you start to burn all over the place, but you paid for 15 mins of this and your getting your money's worth so don't pussy out. Your essentially giving yourself a body wide sunburn, and you paid for this remember.
Now that pretty much is the long and short of a visit to the tanning salon. Now onward with my little experience I had tanning yesterday. I went in to tan just like any normal day, I walked in, talked to the nice leathery clerk, got behind the closed door, got nakey and jumped into my bright ass hot ass coffin. Laying there relaxing to a little David Gray, I suddenly had the urge to let the butt trumpet play. However I could not simply just let one rip because two factors were in place here. 1) The bed I was in was right next to the front desk and as it is, in this particular tanning salon you can damn near hear someone whisper from room to room the walls are so thin. 2) There was plexi glass below my bum and and sort of trumpeting was going to rumble, bubble, and amplify throughout the salon. So I did the polite thing and just let it seep out little by little. As I have already mentioned it gets hot in this personal little hell of yours. The smell that started to seep into my nose was something my nostrils have ever sensed nor do I ever want them to smell again. At this point the smell was so bad it was a lethal odor of death and death's dirty laundry. The really bad part was, its the middle of January and its cold outside, I was rolled up all nice and cozy in this warm little glass burrito of mine and not really willing to consciously escape the smell. So...........I laid there, enduring the stench of this fart that had slowly seeped outta my ass like a bad gas leak.

Fortune Cookie Of The Day
If The Milk Man Brings Milk For Refreshment, and The Newsman Brings News To The Uniformed, Then Who Does The Good Fella Help Out?